Tears

Written by Dr. Elaine Choi

A few weeks ago, I cried in front of my adorable two and a half year-old niece, and she sat on my lap, gently dabbing tears off my face, and said, “Don’t cry goo ma, why you crying goo ma* [ 姑媽 ]?” Listening to her sweet voice, I cried more! (How could you not?!).

The next day, the TEMC choir sang “And God Shall Wipe Away All Tears,” by Toronto composer Eleanor Daley, originally written for children’s choirs. I told the choir my experience with my niece. That was the most tactile experience I’d ever had of how God will wipe away all tears - gentle, tender, simple, and sometimes . . . that makes us cry more (Rev. 21:4). But they are good tears!

Tears of Love. 

I was diagnosed with breast cancer recently. I have cried more this month than the whole last year. I have seen more people cry than I ever had in my adulthood. But I wasn’t always sad. In fact, often the tears are filled with gratitude, love, and God’s grace. 

I asked Pastor Dayle a while ago at one of our favourite coffee shops, “Stupid question, Dayle - but does God talk to you?” Dayle said, “Yes, but maybe not how you might expect. It’s not an auditory, verbal way. It’s more like a gut feeling.” 

That was an “Ah hah!” moment for me. So often, I feel SO incredibly certain about something – God was talking to me this whole time! God is in us. In front of Dayle, by the window overlooking Spadina, I cried, feeling an overwhelming closeness to God immediately. 

Throughout this last month, I have felt so certain from the day of my diagnosis that I am meant to experience this cancer journey. It’s going to be a challenge which teaches me so much. I KNOW I will be okay, and that I will come out stronger, with more passion in life, with even more love for God and God’s people. I know this won’t be an easy journey, but for someone determined (and stubborn) like myself, I need to have a memorable experience to learn important lessons like

How to accept Love.

How to lean on God and His people.

How I can’t control everything.

How to take a break.

How to give myself the grace I give everyone else.

On November 17, I made an announcement at church about my recent diagnosis. Pastor Jason and I had lengthy discussions over this. I am incredibly grateful for Jason’s guidance and support. I love our community so much. Jason said, “Your loved ones would appreciate hearing a personal news directly from you.” After my announcement, the whole church prayed together for my healing. That was so incredibly powerful. I felt my cool tears streaming down my face, but those were tears of Love. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and love these days. God is so, so good to me, and to all of us.

(*Goo Ma 姑媽 in Cantonese is your father’s older sister.)

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