By The Rev. Dr. Connie denBok
August 5, 2012
I would like to begin by reading a scripture which is a New Testament balance to the Psalm we just heard: Paul's letter to the Romans 8:1-8
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 5 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
There was a woman we had known for some years. I thought I knew her fairly well. I knew her ex-husband and that she'd been divorced. One evening we were sitting out on the deck and someone mentioned her third husband. I said, “Oh, sorry. I didn't know about the others. You never mentioned it.”
She said, “I guess I was ashamed.”
A man lost his job. That was bad enough. What made it more difficult is that he lost the job because he was caught taking office supplies for personal use. He never mentioned it to anybody and he never told his family the real reason: Because he was ashamed.
There is a couple whose marriage was not going well. When he was a little boy some things happened that he never told anybody about. Now he has a hard time getting close to his wife. He wants to, but he can't. She said, “Let's go talk to a counselor about it,” but he is afraid to go. He's ashamed.
An older couple stopped going to church after their son committed suicide. The people in the congregation were very understanding when it happened, but they've changed churches and left lifelong friends behind because everyone knows their secret. They would like to go where everyone thinks they're okay. They are ashamed.
A nominating committee asked a woman to serve as an elder in a church I used to serve. She said, “Yes,” but then she resigned before she began. The week before a young man had come to her door. He was 22 years and seven months old. She knew because 23 years earlier when she was 16 years old her mom and dad had sent her to a home for unwed mothers in the city to have a baby, which was then put up for adoption. No one knew except her, her mom and her dad. When she came home they never spoke of it again. Now the secret had returned and she was going to have to tell her husband and her children and everyone in the community would know and how could she be an elder?
In another church a young woman attended youth Sunday School. They were talking about faith and doubt, and the girl got up the courage to tell the others about some of her doubts. The youth group leader pointed his finger in her face. “You're the minister's daughter,” she said. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” Ten years later, she still can't bring herself back to any church.
Shame is different from guilt. With guilt you can point to a specific time and place and action. David and the girl next door, well, the married woman next door. He got her pregnant, killed her husband. That's pretty specific.
In today's Psalm we read how David had one of those marvelous lucid Holy Spirit inspired moments of clarity when he realized - I ought not have done what I've done. I have abused my position of authority, betrayed the trust of the common people, lost the respect of the military commanders who serve me. Coveting, adultery, murder, betrayal, lies, with a soupcon of self righteousness.
In this moment of realization of what he has done and what he has become he considered his situation carefully and addressed the Almighty saying, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight. “ In this moment of transparent vulnerability, in the realization that he has made decisions which have made his life spin out of control his request to God is: “Create in me a clean heart O Lord. And renew a right spirit within me.”
Guilt has to do with specific actions: The time I hurt your feelings when I said . . . this. The time I dented your car. The time I borrowed money and didn't repay it. Like David I could say to you and to God, “I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you will forgive me. Show me how I can make restitution for what I have done- and we can be forgiven and start fresh.
I tend not to use the word “Sin” in pastoral care because it implies condemnation and negative judgment on a person and guilt is not a very good lever for changing behaviour. But when we do not leave room for that brief and painful encounter with guilt, when we excuse ourselves and others and say, “It was nothing. It didn't matter. Forget about it. Let's move on. Water under the bridge.” We also deny forgiveness. And where there is no forgiveness we deny the possibility of souls and hearts unmasked, of love and vulnerability, of being known as we truly are and loved in all our imperfection.
If you excuse me for what I have done the implication is that I couldn't help it because I'm too… dumb, or it's my age, or I'm too weak or careless. You can roll your eyes and say, “Well, what else would you expect from Connie?”
Guilt says, I'm sorry I made a mistake.
Shame says, I'm sorry I am a mistake.
Brené Brown says that sometimes men and women experience shame differently. Often for men, shame is anything that would be perceived as weakness. Because guys beat the crap out of other guys who show weakness. Not showing weakness means emotional control, putting work first, pursuing status in front of others.
Women sometimes think they are supposed to be nice, thin, modest, look as beautiful as they can, and have a career, and a clean house, and high achieving children, and a romantic relationship and be able to juggle all these impossible demands perfectly without breaking a sweat, which of course is impossible even with sweat. Then sometimes women judge each other when they don't succeed.
And sometimes churches create a climate for shame with a cover story - that we represent the educated portion of this community, that we are thoughtful, intelligent, socially aware and engaged. We have studied the problem, formed committees, created foundations. For goodness sake, we pray and we feel qualified to advise others. But as the Church has become less centred on the cross of Jesus Christ where humanity and all creation find grace, forgiveness and redemption, I wonder if we have given up prophetic ministry for scolding. We have become accustomed to telling the rest of society what is wrong with them. This week a column by Margaret Wendt has created considerable discussion in the United Church. It is easier for us to dish it out than to be on the receiving end of public shaming.
On a more personal level, when you do your best and things still don't work out for you, you have to wonder: Either something is wrong with our construct of God or something is wrong with YOU.
I think shame is the guilty little secret of the 21st Century. It's the reason I find it more and more difficult to get into people's homes for pastoral visits - they are ashamed of the mess. I think it's the reason people enroll their children in hectic schedules of activities and lessons because if your child is below average it is to your shame. It is as old as the Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve ate the fruit and then tried to hide their actions, hide their bodies, hide from God because they were ashamed.
In the one place that is meant to be a healing community, sometimes church people have secrets that are so dreadful, that the people closest to them know only there is some kind of wall and sometimes a person will stay away all together rather than have anyone see their real self, because they are ashamed.
Shame, the swampland of the soul: Stuff rotting away under the water sending bubbles of poisonous stinking gas up every once in a while. Where there is shame there is a lot of silence and a lot of judgment. Show me a judgmental person and I will show you someone who is deeply ashamed in themselves. But it is not the way of Jesus Christ. One of the problematic words in scripture is “Sinner.” The word smells of judgment and condemnation. But I wonder if God the great Physician has not examined us thoroughly, and found a diagnosis that fills us with dread and smacks of death - but in that diagnosis is hope because there is treatment that leads to life.
God already knows the hidden things, the unworthiness, the weakness and lack of control. God recognizes when people try to fill the hole in the soul with work or being perfect. He sees you. God knows your oldest son won't speak with you, you made up the degree on your resume, your first wife left you.
Two things give shame the power to paralyze, isolate, and hurt. The first is secrecy. But the Holy Spirit who searches your spirit and knows more truth about you than you know yourself, the Holy Spirit knows your secrets. The second thing that gives shame power is the fear of judgment - and here's the problem - and sometimes it is a problem in churches. Humble, empathetic people - churches are full of them - are prone to not think too highly of themselves and because they genuinely try harder to be good people are also more aware of failure and prone to shame: Very good people. Good people who try to overcome their imperfections without really understanding grace can become hard and critical and judgmental of others, which is why we need to return to these true words of scripture:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:1-6
Sin loses its power over us when it is no longer a secret. God already knows. And I am certain there are people here you can trust with your secrets. Sin loses its power over us when we are no longer condemned. Condemnation is that sharp little prod that is always making us irritated with other people who do not live up to our expectations - because we forget that we do not live up to God's expectations except for his grace.
There was a prayer - I think I first saw it in Neil Anderson's Bondage Breaker book. I'm going to speak that prayer of freedom today. It's whimsical, audacious, and rooted in the promises of Christ. Listen and hear what Christ may be saying to you. The prayer says:
I am a member of the fellowship of the unashamed.
I have Holy Spirit power.
I have stepped over the line.
The decision has been made.
I am his disciple.
I won't look back, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense,
my future is secure.
I am finished and done with low living, side walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, same visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving,
and puny goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, promotions, positions, plaudits, or popularity.
I don't have to be right, recognized, regarded, rewarded, or praised.
I now live by grace, lean by faith, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.
My face is set, my gate is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, lured, manipulated, enticed, or bribed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice,
hesitate in the presence of the adversary,
negotiate at the table of the enemy,
ponder at the pool of popularity,
or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, or let up
until I've stayed up, prayed up, and preached up
for the cause for Christ.
I am his disciple.
I must go until he comes, give until I drop,
preach until all know, work until he stops me.
When he comes back,
I want him to recognize my face.
For I have forgotten all that is in the past,
I'm pressing on for the prize,
the high calling of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
My colors are clear.
I am his disciple.
And I am not ashamed.